I had a tiny anxiety attack today while at the gym. I haven’t felt this uncomfortable since that day on the snow tubing hill that led to where I am today. I remember it like it was yesterday. The fear of humiliation, the panic. I never wanted to feel that way again. That is why I dove head and heart first into CrossFit. I needed something and that was what I was going to try.
Fast forward two years. Wait a second, it’s been two years! That just blew my mind. Ok, well back to my slight panic ridden moment. I had a slight injury last week and I don’t have the use of my left arm and it’s the perfect opportunity to give the right one a rest since it’s been temperamental. Soooo, when you aren’t doing anything overhead what’s left? That’s right, squats. Then some more squats and then even more squats. That’s right people, I’m building a bigger bootay and big ass quads.
I went to the gym in the best mood. I rarely get a chance to work out with the other coaches because our schedules are all over the place. I was really looking forward to our session today. We all do such a good job of knowing when and how much to push each other. We have all gotten comfortable with being uncomfortable so that helps. But all of that was about to stop before we even got started.
It’s time to get started and elevated weighted squats were right there at the top of the white board. I’m familiar with how to do them because I’ve assisted some other athletes in the gym that have used them during their hiatus from going overhead. I knew in my mind they were going to be on the board but the reality of it sank in, quick. They are simple really. You wrap the belt around your waist then place the chain through the handle of the kettlebell then secure the chain by fastening it to the belt. Get yourself up on the box, stabilize and squat. Sounds simple yes? Well, as long as you get past step one(wrap the belt around your waist) the rest is just work.
So here’s where the anxiety kicks in. My mind went from 0-60 in less than .5 seconds. It went something like this: “What if the belt doesn’t fit me? There are people here and I’m going to be so embarrassed. I’m going to look like an idiot because this stupid thing isn’t going to fit. If this doesn’t fit then I haven’t worked hard enough. I’m so disappointed.” All of these idiotic statements, and then some went through my head in a matter of seconds. All the negative talk that I battle with daily took over and I almost cried. Reliving that moment still puts a pit at the bottom of my stomach and I know how the situation turns out.
Well, I think Tim knew I was getting a little anxious and just started getting stuff together without making a big deal of it. I saw out of the corner of my eye that he had picked up the weight belt. I walked towards him and assessed the circumference of the opening and decided to go arms first thinking that if I could get it past my big ass shoulders then maybe it would fit on my hips. At the time this option seemed more logical than to try and wrap something around your waist in hopes that you can get it to fit. And within seconds again I’m getting rapid fire messages like “why do you want to do this? Shouldn’t you be resting, you just had surgery? Ok, the opening looks big enough but my hips might be bigger. How big are my hips anyway? Are they bigger than my shoulders cause you know you have BIG shoulders.” And then the belt starts passing over your head and you hear “Ok, this might work. I think I can do this. Everything is going to be ok.”
And yes, the belt fits fine. I’m being over dramatic and freak out for nothing. I squat for what feels like days and am looking forward to doing it again soon. Happy ending……hold on, not so fast. This one little blip in my day made me realize how much work it takes to get yourself to a better place. Bottom line is that I don’t give myself enough credit for the work and change that has occurred. I am so obsessed with the scale and about my jiggle that I have diminished all of the amazing things I have accomplished. I am immersed in the most supportive environment but I haven’t been supportive to myself. I belittle when the weight on the bar isn’t as heavy as I’d like. I hear the negative self talk when I don’t finish as fast as I feel I should. I compare constantly. I would NEVER tolerate any of our athletes talking or thinking like this but I have somehow made myself the exception. I have not done a good job of being the student. I don’t allow myself the same compassion I have and give to others. I hold myself to a level of perfection that is close to unattainable.
I’m always fighting the expectation I assume others have for me instead of just focusing on the goal ahead. At the end of the day I’m the one that needs to be proud of my work and my journey. Allowing myself to be more aware of the victories along the way may help. You may not have the same struggles but I bet you don’t give yourself enough compassion either. Be proud of your journey, every step forward and every step back because success is built upon a mountain of failure. Love yourself for the work you are doing to make yourself better today and allow yourself to not be perfect. Allowing ourselves to be vulnerable and transparent instead of trying to be perfect helps others on their journey. My hope for you is that you can recognize when you’re allowing the negative thoughts to creep in and to take that exact moment to give yourself the love and compassion you deserve. Then go squat!